Yes, I am an Angry Biyatch!

Yes, I am an angry biyatch, or should I say I was an angry biyatch? You see, I am a reformed angry biyatch. I was saved by family court. Just so you know that last line was meant as sarcasm. I was saved by God, not by family court, but it doesn't change the fact that when I was in family court, I was an angry biyatch. I found myself facing a family court nightmare that I didn't think I could escape. I was divorced from a coparent who used the system to drive me insane. That made me angry. Plus, the longer the ordeal continued, the angrier I became. I just wanted to move on with my life and raise my children in the amount of parenting time that I was allotted, but no. They would not leave me alone. Everything I did seemed to be up for debate or subject to attack from my hostile former spouse and our control freak parenting consultant. It was frustrating. It was maddening and it made me a different person.

At that time, everyone talked about my anger. My ex, his attorney and the parenting consultant talked about my anger. Eventually, it was brought up in court and even the judge talked about my anger. It was then that I realized I'd better go to anger management before I was forced to go to anger management.

Before I share my anger management story, let me give you a little information about family court and anger management. First off, there was a time when anger management was called assertiveness training. Why it changed, I don't know. I learned assertiveness skills in anger management. I think people would be more inclined to take assertiveness training rather than attend anger management, but that is what happens. Over time, the powers that be change things. Sometimes the changes are good, other times I am left scratching my head and wondering why they do the crazy things they do and then call me the crazy one.

When I was going through my family court ordeal, judges routinely ordered parents to attend anger management, especially when the case was labeled as high conflict. In fact, anger management was utilized so much at that time, I was not sure why they didn't just have parents attend anger management along with the mandated co-parenting class they make parents attend! However, times have changed. They don't order anger management anymore, or at least if they do, it's rare. Through my coaching work, I get to see trends in the system. I haven't seen a client court ordered into anger management for years. The trend nowadays is either Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) or Reunification Therapy, which is kind of sad to me because attending anger management truly changed my life. It probably saved my life, as well.

People who know me are surprised when I tell them that I am a graduate of anger management. They say, "You? You seem so together!" I reply, " It's because I went to anger management that I seem so together!" Before anger management, I was not only a wreck, but an enraged, crazy biyatch. Nothing can make a person more unglued than a multi-year long, high conflict divorce. Nothing. False accusations, exorbitant legal and therapy bills, navigating the upside down and backwards world of family court will absolutely overwhelm your system, change who you are and the way you interact with people. That was me and why I ended up in anger management.

For years my ex harassed, pushed, abused and did his very best to get a rise out of me. He was successful. I became every angry and felt violated in every aspect of my life. At one time, things became so volatile that I had decided it was time to file a motion for sole legal custody. I already had sole physical. I started to interview lawyers. I didn't care what the cost! I was referred to some super lawyers who were very expensive, but I was assured they would be able to get the job done. Shortly after I began my search for a new lawyer, I was served a notice to appear in court. It was an order to Show Cause. At first, I thought my ex was taking me to court yet again, but then I realized the judge was calling us both in for failing to co-parent (envision me rolling my eyes). The good news is that because of this, I did hire an amazing new attorney who was able to represent me in that Order to Show Cause hearing and helped significantly change the course of our case from that day on. Which is why in looking back, I can say I am glad that happened.

During my attorney search, most attorneys said that the judge was requiring our appearance because both parents were behaving badly. However, based on what the order said, attorneys presumed my ex was in more trouble than I was. Even my new attorney thought so, but during the hearing, the judge started chastising me, not my ex. Even though all of the infractions he listed against us were mainly about things my ex had been doing (or not doing), the judge attacked me. My ex and his attorney had been talking about my anger for years and now they had the judge talking about it, too. I knew what was coming. I would end up ordered into anger management. In that moment, I developed a new strategy. I decided right then and there that I would go to anger management on my own so that if it came up in court or I was court ordered to go, I could already show that I had gone, on my own.

I asked my attorney if it was a good idea and wanted to make sure that in no way would it hurt my case in the future. He thought it was a great idea, so I did some research and signed up to go where my insurance would cover it, and it would not interfere with work.

Thankfully, I started anger management right away because just a few weeks later I received a letter in the mail. It was a copy of a letter that my ex had sent (with his attorney's blessing) to the judge. It was not a motion. It was just a letter. It was a procedurally incorrect way to do this, but he was telling the judge that I should be court ordered into anger management. He had even selected the place I should have to go at a cost of $400 and sessions were held during the day when I would have to miss work several times per week to attend!

I was livid, and so was my attorney because neither my ex nor his attorney had contacted him about anger management. They went behind our backs to the judge. Because the other side had not followed the proper procedure in writing the letter to the judge, my attorney asked the judge to allow him the opportunity to respond to the letter. The judge agreed to that and gave my lawyer 30 days to respond.

In his response, my lawyer pointed out that the other side had done this in an underhanded way and that my ex's letter showed his own tendency toward anger. My attorney informed the judge that I was already attending anger management through my own initiative, but we felt that my ex should go to anger management as well. We suggested my ex attend anger management at the place he had researched and recommended for me.

It didn't take long for the judge to answer. He ordered me to continue in my anger management program and also ordered my ex into anger management. Not only did the judge order my ex into anger management, but he ordered him into the same place my ex had requested I go!

What a turn of events! When I made the decision to go to anger management, it was simply a court strategy. Deep down I was opposed to going but I knew the way my ex thought and once the judge started talking about my anger, I expected my ex to try and get me court ordered into anger management. I could have argued that I didn't want to go to anger management, or I could have tried to prove that I did not have an anger problem, but instead I preempted what I knew was coming.

My lawyer was somewhat amazed. He said, "That played out exactly as you said it would." Yes, it did. I knew my ex and how he operates. I had also come to understand that I was his target, and he would come after me with one thing after another. I had learned over the years that when he was very unhappy or having difficulties in life, he would attack me. Anytime the spotlight came close to shining on him and exposing him, the attacks would start, and he would do his best to put the spotlight on me. Getting my ex into anger management was the first time I beat him at his own game. Thankfully, it was not the last. That victory flipped everything. Things started going for me rather than against me. My ex was left bewildered and confused (and of course complained about having to go to anger management due to the cost and times-HA!) and the best part is, he no longer held any power over me. That was the beginning of the end of my family's journey through hell.

 Sure, I went to anger management even though I didn't want to and didn't think I needed it. When I made the decision to go to, it was a court strategy and nothing more, but I am very thankful that I went. It changed my life!

I got there by having faith, letting go of fear and accepting the fact that I needed to make some changes. As I prepared myself for anger management, I told myself that it was an opportunity to learn to choose a healthy partner in the future. Since my anger management journey, I have learned how to do just that. I can also recognize toxic relationships with siblings, friends, coworkers, you name it. I don't involve myself with people who suck the life out of me and offer nothing in return. I can recognize those people from a mile away.

I learned so much in anger management. I learned that all of the toxic people around me contributed to my anger and frustration. I also learned that I cannot change others, but I can choose who I want to be involved with. It made a huge impact on my life! I must add that I met one of my best friends in Anger Management, too! What a bonus! Everyone in my anger management group was just like me! I didn't have to feel alone anymore. I met others who were in the same family court boat as me. While it is disheartening to see how many people get caught up in a family court nightmare, it gave me the opportunity to see people grow and change and improve their situation.

I think everything happens for a reason. Anger management was that turning point for me and my children, and I would even say it helped my ex. I started out going to anger management as a court strategy and to prove something to my ex, but I ended up changing the way I approached things and improving my life. I took control of a situation so that it couldn't control me. Rather than being forced into a program that I couldn't afford and could cost me my job, I took the initiative which gave me the control. I empowered myself so that the court could not control me, and doing so gave me my power back.