Saving Face

After divorce, some people play the victim. It garners them attention and sympathy from others and helps them explain, in their own mind, that they are not at fault for the divorce.

Oddly enough, even though all US states are no fault divorce states, it doesn't seem to matter. Fault or no fault, divorce can be deeply wounding to one's ego. In order to show the world that they are not a bad person (and make themselves feel better), they have to portray a false reality that their ex is to blame. They will accuse their ex of having an affair, being mentally ill or turn it around in some other way. They may tell others that they initiated the divorce instead of telling the truth, that it was their ex who initiated the process and vice versa.

Typically, these individuals fear being alone and will enter into a new relationship quickly, long before they are ready. They have done nothing to come to terms with the divorce or take the time to heal. They grab hold of the first person who comes along and buys their story. It helps them show the world: Hey, I am OK. See? Someone loves me. That other person had something wrong with them. That's all. I am not a bad person. See how quickly someone found me?

Their new relationship develops during their grieving process over the divorce. Quick rebound relationships can disrupt or even completely halt the grieving process. Because they met their new significant other during the grieving process, they probably shared an embellished story about how evil their former spouse was, giving their new mate an exaggerated impression of the truth in order to explain their misery. The issue with embellished stories is that the storyteller must maintain the facade throughout the new relationship to prevent their partner from discovering the truth. This can create significant confusion for an ex-spouse attempting to co-parent with someone determined to maintain their fabricated narrative.

Some ex-spouses find it difficult to comprehend why their child’s other parent harbors so much hatred and refuses to let go of resentment, preventing progress toward a co-parenting relationship. If you are the one being lied about, you might feel defensive, deeply hurt, or even guilty about the divorce. Watching your children’s other parent fuel their anger and spread lies while you take the high road can be incredibly painful. You may hold onto hope that your ex will eventually come to terms with the divorce, allowing for a healthier co-parenting dynamic. Unfortunately, the reality is that this isn’t something you can fix, as it isn’t about you at all—it’s about your ex’s attempt to save face.

Saving face, at its core, means preserving one's dignity. It revolves around how individuals perceive themselves and how they believe others view them. For some, divorce can feel like a harsh blow to their sense of self-worth, especially if they perceive their spouse's love, honor, and commitment as broken promises. This can lead to seeing divorce not just as an event, but as a painful confirmation of being unlovable or a failure in their own eyes

Over time, you may be taken aback by how petty your co-parent can be, refusing even to sit in the same room with you for your children's extracurricular activities, medical appointments, or mediation to resolve disputes. Rather than fixating on changing them, resist the urge to become a doormat by trying to appease them in hopes of improving the relationship. If the other parent is focused on saving face, your actions won’t alter the situation—they’re driven by a need to protect their secrets. Their avoidance of you and their efforts to portray you as the villain form the foundation of their new relationship, and they will go to great lengths to maintain that narrative.

The avoiding parent constantly fears that repairing the relationship with you could lead their new partner to uncover the web of lies they've spun over the years. They cannot risk being exposed as dishonest. Individuals who build their lives around falsehoods often avoid the possibility of a second breakup, as the first one left them devastated. Without taking the time to heal, the thought of enduring another rejection becomes unbearable. Over time, the new partner may begin to notice inconsistencies in the story they've been told, potentially forcing your ex to confront their greatest fear. However, it’s important to remember that you cannot change them, nor is it your responsibility to save them.

When the other parent spreads lies or behaves irrationally, it's important to be honest with your kids. Let them know that you wish for a better relationship with their mom or dad, but that it’s not possible at this time. Acknowledge that you don’t fully understand why their other parent acts this way but assure your children that your love for them is unwavering and that you’ll always be there for them. You might also express compassion for the other parent’s struggles, sharing that you hope they’ll one day find a way to heal. Keep your message simple and truthful. Then, dedicate yourself to staying on the high road and focusing on being the best parent you can be.

Hostile co-parenting dynamics cannot be improved through acts of revenge or by dictating what the other person should do to fix the situation. You are likely the last person they would accept advice from. Often, the most constructive approach is to focus on maintaining your own stability, prioritize building a healthier relationship for yourself, and allow your ex to confront their own struggles independently.